Author Topic: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2  (Read 5529 times)

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Twik

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - updated post 6
« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2010, 12:10:40 AM »
I'm a little confused, isn't this supposed to be a culture where married people happily attend long parties without their spouses? Yet your cousins can't bear to attend without their girlfriends?

If you go by North American etiquette, you are not bound to invite romantic interests that have no official status, such as married, engaged or living together. You may if you wish, but if you have never met the girls, and don't even sound that close to the cousins, you would not be expected to invite strangers to your wedding just because they had been dating your cousins for some indeterminate time.
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Shopaholic

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - updated post 6
« Reply #16 on: August 08, 2010, 01:16:24 PM »
I'm a little confused, isn't this supposed to be a culture where married people happily attend long parties without their spouses? Yet your cousins can't bear to attend without their girlfriends?

People yes, their mothers are a different question I guess  >:D. Like I said before, I doubt my cousins really mind.

Update:
I wanted to talk to my parents with DF on Friday night after dinner, but dinner ran late and we had to go so we talked to my parents on Saturday morning.

I let my mom talk a little, and she was obviously feeling very bewildered and hurt by her sister's and SILs actions. She really doesn't know where all this came from. Also, she did not know how she could "live with herself" if she didn't invite her father's cousin's children. Yes, that is correct - her second cousins once removed, with whom she has no contact except for the wedding invitation once every 4 years.

I told her that with these cousins she will just have to live with the possibility of them getting insulted, and told her that there are two ways that my cousins' GFs could get an invitation: either she removes two other people from the list, or she gets only 79 positive responses.

My father got very huffy about the whole situation, and his solution was "bite the bullet, and we'll all be a little crowded." He even quoted one of Newton's laws of thermodynamics at us. During the conversation he emphasized the importance of family - and how we might be insulting people and damaging family rel@tionships that will last for generations. He even had a few digs at DF for inviting people he has only worked with for a year (DF has beena full-fledged engineeer for only a year), and old Army buddies.

Dad suggested he talk to the event coordinator and to DF's parents. Immediately after hanging up the phone, we called DF's parents because they are just the kind to remove some of their guests to appease my parents. We did not want that to happen, because my parent's guests are not more important than DF's parent's.

Anyway, today I met with my mom and got more details from her.

Aunt1 dropped by for coffee and my mom told her about the difficulties she was having keeping the guest list small. Despite this, Aunt1 tells her that her family will all be coming, including GFs. Mom told her that she believes that eventually there will be room for them all.
The next day, Aunt2 (mom's sister) calls to tell her that she has a sensitive subject to talk to her about, and that Aunt1 was very hurt by the GFs not being invited. Mom says she is sorry but that there just is no room. Aunt2 then tells my mom to pull out the guest list, and that she will help her pick and choose who will make the cut and who will not. Apparently Aunt2 thinks that if my cousins' GFs are not invited, then my sister's BF (of 6 years, and by now a very loved member of the family) should not be invited either. Aunt2 also boasts that when my sister got married, and her son's then girlfriend (in high school!) wanted to come, she said no.

Aunt2 then apparently call Aunt1 to report the conversation, and Aunt1 called my mom, saying that she did not mean to cause such an uproar, but that she honestly thinks that her boys' GFs are part of the family and as such should be invited.

So what hapens now is that the guest list does not change, although my mom did ask me today if I or DF could give up a number of guests so she could invite her second cousins, once removed (I said no, the invitations had already gone out, but if I get a large number of negative RSVPs I'll let her know). My dad will talk to my cousins to explain that they are very sorry but the GFs are not invited.

Bottom line: just as I suspected, Aunt2 is the one stirring up trouble. She seems to be happiest when she is making her sister miserable. My mom is apparently incredibly sensitive, and this catches her unprepared every.single.time. I sort of wanted to call my aunts to give them a piece of my mind for putting my mom through this, but eventually decided that it's not my business to tell off my aunts, and that I'd better keep out of it.
Also: my mom realizes that she shouldn't have come to me with this, and I did not once mention her oh-so-PA email.

So right now we're OK. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the last we hear of this.

Lisbeth

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2010, 02:22:35 PM »
I think you need to talk to your aunts directly and tell them:

1) GFs are NOT invited and they will NOT be accommodated
2) The guest list is for you and your DF to decide, not your parents or your aunts
3) You do not want to hear how insulted they are that you aren't accommodating every person they know.
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cicero

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - updated post 6
« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2010, 02:42:53 PM »
I'm a little confused, isn't this supposed to be a culture where married people happily attend long parties without their spouses? Yet your cousins can't bear to attend without their girlfriends?


Anyway, today I met with my mom and got more details from her.

Aunt1 dropped by for coffee and my mom told her about the difficulties she was having keeping the guest list small. Despite this, Aunt1 tells her that her family will all be coming, including GFs. Mom told her that she believes that eventually there will be room for them all.
The next day, Aunt2 (mom's sister) calls to tell her that she has a sensitive subject to talk to her about, and that Aunt1 was very hurt by the GFs not being invited. Mom says she is sorry but that there just is no room. Aunt2 then tells my mom to pull out the guest list, and that she will help her pick and choose who will make the cut and who will not. Apparently Aunt2 thinks that if my cousins' GFs are not invited, then my sister's BF (of 6 years, and by now a very loved member of the family) should not be invited either. Aunt2 also boasts that when my sister got married, and her son's then girlfriend (in high school!) wanted to come, she said no.

Aunt2 then apparently call Aunt1 to report the conversation, and Aunt1 called my mom, saying that she did not mean to cause such an uproar, but that she honestly thinks that her boys' GFs are part of the family and as such should be invited.

<snip>


but again, shopaholic - you are getting second/third hand information. you need to put an end to this. don't listen when your mother starts to talk about aunt1 said this and aunt2 is angry because of that. call up aunt1 and get the truth and explain the situation to her (sorry but the GFs cannot come to the wedding). then, next time your mother begins the 'aunt1 is upset' saga, simply say "mom, i talked to aunt1 and it's fine. now, did i show this new bean dip?"
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DangerMouth

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2010, 04:24:14 PM »
Quote Wolfgang Pauli back at your dad: No two objects may occupy the same space at the same time ;D

Danismom

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #20 on: August 09, 2010, 11:00:10 PM »
It always amazes me how much wedding planning brings out the crazy!  I suggest:

Remind your mother not to talk about the guest list with ANYONE -- even (especially) her sisters.  Then bite the bullet and call your aunt yourself.  Explain that while she considers the GFs part of the family, you have limited space at the venue.  Then smooth it over some with suggesting that perhaps you can carve out some time soon to have them over for dinner or spend some time together at the next family event.  Beandip too.


NestHolder

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - updated post 6
« Reply #21 on: August 10, 2010, 08:03:27 AM »

Bottom line: just as I suspected, Aunt2 is the one stirring up trouble. She seems to be happiest when she is making her sister miserable. My mom is apparently incredibly sensitive, and this catches her unprepared every.single.time. I sort of wanted to call my aunts to give them a piece of my mind for putting my mom through this, but eventually decided that it's not my business to tell off my aunts, and that I'd better keep out of it.
Also: my mom realizes that she shouldn't have come to me with this, and I did not once mention her oh-so-PA email.


Actually, as this is your wedding you're talking about, it is very much your business to set things straight.  It sounds as though your mother is being given a very hard time about this, and since it is not Aunt2's call who gets invited to *your* wedding, it does seem that the time has come for you to have a little talk with her.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2010, 11:12:10 AM »
I know that it would be horribly rude, but don't you want to call your aunts and tell them that in order to make room, you have cut them from the guest list?

Ehell fantasy.
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Shopaholic

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #23 on: August 12, 2010, 11:47:39 AM »
I know that it would be horribly rude, but don't you want to call your aunts and tell them that in order to make room, you have cut them from the guest list?

Ehell fantasy.

Ha! Love it! :)
My dad actually suggested HE not come so others can...Anyway my parents flew off to a year abroad this week (mom will return two weeks before the wedding, dad the day before). They called me from the airport. I asked dad what's going on with the invitations, and he said that the guest list had not changed. Then in the next sentence he told me that he told Aunt1 that her sons can bring their GFs if they want!!!
Dad says that if there are too many people, it will be his responsibility. (Where will he seat them, on his head?) Mom thinks that we will eventually have less attending than planned.

After reviewing the family dynamics, I decided NOt to call any Aunt. A phone call of mine can start a chain reaction with Aunt1 calling Aunt2 calling Cousin34 calling Mother-in-Law8. And if this starts, it will eventually get to Grandpa and back to my mom. I think my poor mom has been through enough already.I'll call Aunt1 this weekend regardless, and pull out my spine if she brings the subject up.

Also: Just talked to Grandp, he wanted to give me the address for his "relative". They have the same surname, but nobody knows the actual relation. He was on the original list (Mom's gesture to Grandpa), but I still can't understand my parents' obsession with relatives... ::)

pittgirl

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #24 on: August 15, 2010, 12:20:50 PM »
OK, I'm confused.  If your parents just left for a year abroad, when is the wedding?  If it's next year, then who knows if these GFs will still be in the picture.

Jess13

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #25 on: August 15, 2010, 12:31:32 PM »
OK, I'm confused.  If your parents just left for a year abroad, when is the wedding?  If it's next year, then who knows if these GFs will still be in the picture.

She says right in her post:
Quote
Anyway my parents flew off to a year abroad this week (mom will return two weeks before the wedding, dad the day before).

So the wedding is in a year or so.
 

Shoo

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #26 on: August 15, 2010, 12:37:27 PM »
OK, I'm confused.  If your parents just left for a year abroad, when is the wedding?  If it's next year, then who knows if these GFs will still be in the picture.

She says right in her post:
Quote
Anyway my parents flew off to a year abroad this week (mom will return two weeks before the wedding, dad the day before).

So the wedding is in a year or so.

Her parents will be abroad for a year, but are returning for her wedding, which must be coming up fairly soon, since they've already sent out the invitations.

ETA:  Oops.  I just re-read and I don't know why I thought they'd already been sent out, except that everyone being in such an uproar over a wedding that's a year away is sort of strange to me. 
« Last Edit: August 15, 2010, 12:39:51 PM by Shoo »

Animala

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #27 on: August 15, 2010, 12:52:18 PM »
I think sometimes family feel like getting that invitation off to the relative you've never met is bestowing a favor upon them.  I know when I was married there was a long list of relatives I'd never met that "had" to be invited or they would be horribly offended.

pittgirl

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #28 on: August 15, 2010, 06:24:43 PM »
In her original post, LW says the invitations have been sent out & her parents just returned from abroad.  Then in an update she says they just left for a year abroad. I'm still confused, but either way don't think the GFs of cousin should be invited if there is no room.

Shopaholic

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Re: Another invitation crisis - sorry, long - very long update, page 2
« Reply #29 on: August 16, 2010, 12:00:13 AM »
Clarification:

My parents just left on sabbatical. Before that they were at a conference for 10 days. They were home for a week in between.
The wedding is in three weeks, and my parents will be returning for that.
(And again when my sister is due a month later).

Yeah, their timing (or maybe my sister's and mine) is not that great. In fact, the first thing my dad said when I told him we had gotten engaged was "when?", even before the congratulations.